Aubrey “Drake” Graham’s Apologetic Eyebrows

The amount of space celebrity culture takes up in my brain is probably unnatural, but I never really noticed it until I noticed how little everyone else cared about the Jolie-Pitt children. It’s like when you don’t really know you have bad eye-sight until you try on your friend’s glasses.

written by Audrey Hasse

I don’t know if it’s because I was the final child and my parents had lax television rules at that point, or if it’s a deeply rooted psychological problem that causes me to know Kesha’s mom’s name. Lately my interest in celebrities has escalated from knowing obscure trivia to developing full on, complex fantasies. I catch myself humanizing them, wondering things like what type of frozen pizza Jen Aniston and I would share. Fantasies like this have led me to make a very important transition in my life. After much thought and consideration, I think it’s time that I announce I’ve changed my long-time celebrity crush on actor Michael Cera to hip-hop artist Drake.  This decision was not rash by any means. I would like to explain the detailed thought behind it before taking any questions.

Drake seems like he would always be clownin’. He would smile a lot, pull pranks and flirtatiously pick on me. But I have a feeling Drake would do that charming thing where he apologizes too soon following the prank. So soon that the climax of the prank is basically ruined.  He would look at me with those apologetic eyebrows and say, “Babe, I was kidding.” Drake would ruin a joke for me so I would know it’s real.

I also think Drake would give me a nickname really early on.
If we went out with a group of friends, he would be like, “Aud’s riding with me to the next spot!” Then he would playfully grab me, putting his puffy, Patagonia-jacketed arm around me.  His birth name is Aubrey and I would call him “Aubs”. Our names being so similar would be a fun opportunity for a joke when we introduced ourselves to people.

Drake seems like he would be able to talk to my dad while I’m in the bathroom. But he would still be little bit nervous. Maybe he wouldn’t know what to say or he would laugh too much. That nervousness is crucial, becausepeople who are 100% comfortable around dads are shady.

That’s about it. I don’t really know what else to say. When you know, you know. I’ll always have a special place in my heart for Michael Cera and what we shared, but once I made this decision to change my celebrity crush to Drake, nothing was the same.

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