Miss Procrastination

The inability to do homework is real.

Written by Audrey Hasse

I spend a lot of my time not doing homework. Like, most of my time, and I don’t want to glamorize this at all. It’s late nights, long hours and the Wikipedia page for Pauly Shore. I’m sick. You don’t want to end up like me. In fact, I should visit middle schools to tell my story. I want to give back to my community. I think the most fascinating thing about this well-known battle is how vastly different the nighttime version of us is from the daytime version of us. It’s the closest thing most of us have to experiencing multiple personality disorder. It’s two people living inside of us who are into totally different things.

For example, during the day you’re into healthy eating. Managing your diet is simple until it’s 1:30 a.m. and you realize how much better the pumpkin shaped Reese’s are from the regular shaped Reese’s. You sit back and ask yourself: “What lie have I been living? These obviously have so much more peanut butter.”

Daytime-you also likes to make fun, chic brunch plans with friends that nighttime-you sabotages. Time and again, nighttime-you will type a hasty “Just go without me!” text through your barely conscious haze. Nothing is going to get you out of bed, not even a mimosa. Daytime-you would never pull that because that person keeps promises.

Daytime-you has a relationship with God and practices good hygiene.Though nighttime-you sometimes disappoints, nighttime-you is fun, reckless and alive! You say things like “YOLO” in a cool, ironic way, while still meaning it. Nighttime-you is into really awesome things, like Justin Guarini from the first season of American Idol, especially his net-worth. It’s a lot less than you’d think.

And yes, nighttime-you doesn’t always get everything done, but it’s because you’re focusing on the important things. That documentary about the Mayans on Netflix? Watched. A new way to arrange your bedroom? Arranged. You’re only two pages deep into a ten-page paper but the dresser looks so much better there! Wow, nighttime-you makes such good choices, like that iPhone case with the picture of Kim Kardashian crying on the back that you added to “your cart” at 3:34 a.m.

Speaking of 3:34 a.m., that Vine you posted around that time was so funny. Nighttime-you is really into the app Vine, you’re a riot. Has nighttime-you thought about stand-up comedy?

Though it has its highs and lows, my struggle with procrastination continues to be real. It’s something I have to take a day at a time, but it feels good to talk about it. Any gifts, flowers or donations to help me cope can be sent directly to my bed. If you could, please make all checks payable to Miss Audrey Eileen Hasse, because I need a new iPhone case.

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